True Love

It's ten in the evening and I'm still awake. That doesn't happen much. But I was up watching a movie, and I realized today that the triathlon is coming up in two weeks from tomorrow. Exactly two weeks. O.O I know it's only sprint distance, so really not that bad. And I know that I will do just fine. But man I have a lot of momentary panic attacks. To where I'm wondering just what I signed myself up for. I mean, what was I thinking? I know that I will get through it just fine. I know that I will be really pumped once it actually gets going. I also know that once I finish it I will feel accomplished, probably very excited and babbling about doing it again next year. I know myself well enough to guess my reaction. But that doesn't stop the gut-wrenching fear that twists my stomach into knots some days. I'll have to get out and be athletic. In public. Around other people. Around much more athletic people.

I don't know how many of you realize this about me, but I'm a wee bit competitive. Not to where I can't enjoy a game that I'm losing, but I will definitely fight until the bloody end to try and make a come back. And when it comes to physical activities, welll..... maybe I get into it. So despite knowing that I will make a decent show of it, why can't I just get a grip on myself and not get so gosh darned nervous? Because I'm human. Because I fear failure. A lot.

Failing at something I'm sincerely trying to be good at is not only frustrating, but terribly depressing to me. I live by the philosophy that there is almost nothing you can't do if you just put your mind to it. "Where there's a will, there's a way", as the saying going. So doing my best and still coming up short is one of my worst nightmares. On that note, Romans 3:23 is a particularly hard passage for me: "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". I feel like I've failed before I've even begun trying, and that just crushes me. The prideful side of me wants to beg for a chance to try deserve God's grace. But then I take a look at my everyday life, and the amount of times and ways that I fail in the tiniest of things is staggering. Mind-blowing. Astonishing. But that's exactly why God's grace is so unfathomable. I don't deserve it. At All.

In fact, I deserve to be cast away and giving a one-way elevator ride downwards to Hell. I really believe that I do. When it comes to God I am unfaithful, fickle, and half-hearted most days.

But He still loves me. He still wants me. And He still picks me up when I fall, and holds me when I cry. That is true love - not the hollywood crap type of love, but true agape love. It's a love that keeps on going, even when I fail to return it. God is many things, but first and foremost He is a God of love.